Fellow gardeners, I first penned this piece in 2001 and since you will be reading this on New Years Eve it seemed a good time to revisit it.  It’s encouraging to know that over the span of the last 8 years the true attributes of a “real gardener” haven’t changed.  Enjoy! 

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS for the “real gardener”. 

“Next year I promise not to buy any more plants until I have planted the 35 others that are currently stored in the garage because I didn’t get around to planting them this year.”

Forget it, it ain’t gonna happen.  No real gardener would ever put those kinds of constraints on themselves.  After all, compulsive plant buying is a sign of a healthy, well- adjusted gardener.  The trick is to manage those 35 plants so you always have about the same number to put away every winter.  Just think of them as a portable test garden.  If the plant can’t survive at least two seasons of being moved in and out of the garage, then it probably isn’t worthy of being planted into your permanent beds.  I usually manage to kill at least 30% of them every year by forgetting to water or letting the slugs decimate them or shoving them so close together that they suffocate each other before they ever get a chance to be planted.  Survival of the fittest, that’s my motto.  By the time I do get around to finding a home for them, they are tough as nails. 

“My tool shed is going to be perfectly organized next year so I can always find what I need when I need it.”

Oh right, a place for everything and everything in its place.  I don’t think so.  It ain’t gonna happen.  Show me a gardener that is that organized and I’ll bet money they suffer from constipation.  Looking for tools is like hunting big game, it’s the thrill of the hunt that’s exciting.  Tool sheds were meant to be a temple of chaos, a virtual confidence course for the gardener. Dodging rakes and falling shovels helps us stay alert, it sharpens our reflexes and keeps our muscles toned.  If you had an organized tool shed, you’d have to break down and spend the money to join the YMCA just to stay in shape.  Now, I ask you, does that make any sense.  Only a real gardener can appreciate the aerobic value of “tool hunting”.  And don’t get me started on tool maintenance.  Oiling tools and cleaning the lawn mower at the end of the season only delays the excitement of shopping for replacements.  Real gardeners long for the opportunity to acquire new and exotic gardening tools. 

“Next year, I won’t plant things too close together.  I might even read the plant tags before planting.”

Now this is a novel concept.  Actually reading all those descriptive signs and tags that nursery professionals provide for us so we can put the right plant in the right place, leaving room for it to grow and attain its mature size without choking out its neighbor in the process.  Forget it, it ain’t gonna happen.  Real gardeners would never lower themselves to the level of reading tags.  That’s for the amateur.  We are professionals.  We buy plants because they are “cool” and because we have to have them.  We design by impulse, buying a plant and then finding a place for it rather than finding a place and then buying a plant for it (there’s a subtle difference).  As for planting too close together? Impossible!  Those crowded beds are merely an expression of our gardening wisdom.  We all know that there is strength in numbers.  Crowded plants hold each other up and they choke out weeds. We don’t have to spend money or take the time to stake things up.  Opulence, exuberance, and immoderation are the hallmark of a real gardener.  Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

“This year I’m going to stake my peonies before they bloom and pinch my mums so they aren’t 8 feet tall by September.”

These are classic examples of timely chores that real gardeners can’t be bothered with.  I have these wonderful “grow through rings” for my peonies somewhere in the gardening shed that are designed to be put over the peonies while they are still small (before they set their flower buds).  Haven’t got them on once in five years.  But that’s why they make “link stakes”, bamboo stakes and stretch ties.  Regarding fall blooming perennials like asters and mums that need pinching in June to keep them compact and bushy, I do manage to accomplish that task, but only because I own a gas powered hedge trimmer with a 30” bar that allows me to “pinch” them in about 30 seconds.  Real gardeners love power tools.

Finally, if you are like me, you probably have a few bags of bulbs on the back porch that still need to be planted. More than likely they will be there come spring, you will throw them out and resolve never to do that again.  Right……………………..!